I first must start off with a warning for this blog. I have much to write about but if you are one of those millions of fans reading Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer right now, I admonish you to stop when I break in my story and begin discussing the book in depth unless you want to spoil this book for yourself.
I am certain I am not the first to have already written something regarding this book already today and it has been released my time now for 14 hours. But it would be 16 for New York and I'm sure people have already completed the book. And have written their insights and thoughts about the book to spoil it for others. That is NOT what I am trying to do. So please, take my advice and stop when I admonish you to.
Now I happen to have a Journal I write in from time to time, but lately I have really been trying to write my thoughts down to try to analyze them. To analyze myself and possibly learn somethinng about myself and my behaviors. I think if I can figure out a way to breakdown the way I think the way I do, I can be powerful. No I am not intending to be the President of the United States or something. I mean powerful with my own mind. And conquer that which debilitates me, makes me a weak person. I can fight it and I will win. I cannot do that which was done to me. Sorry Aunt Kris. You know how much I love you. If I did this, how would I explain that in the next life to MY neices and nephews? I can't leave them. I can't leave my family. I need them and strangely, I think they need me too.
Now I will cut to my writing from my Journal.
I guess I will try one of Stephenie Meyer's tricks and italicize my writing for my own thoughts within my own writing. I have no one to talk to except this stupid little book. Confession: I didn't sleep. Why didn't I sleep, you ask? Well because I spent the night reading . I was one of the midnight shoppers at Wal-mart for the new Twighlight series books, Breaking Dawn. Ha. Hear my story and you'll know that it is, BREAKING DAWN. Me. Stop. Lets flashback to the early teenage Dawn years.
I have always loved reading. Period. Some of my first concious memories of my being revolved around my mother and I sitting on the Living room Hand-me-down couch next to, or on Her lap, happily reading to me a stack of picture books. Confession: Again. Sorry. I seem to remember very few childhood memories. The ones I do have are shadowed or sad. Not that I didn't have a happy childhood. I did. I had a perfect family. I don't know why my mind decided to keep only these, but maybe Aunt Kris' dying affected me more than I thought. I was eight. No, wait. It was April 7. My Birthday was that fall. Ok I was seven. Because I remember my cousin Gabes and I getting baptized and she wasn't there.
I miss her. I ache for her. If I could just see her one more time, just for a moment. To kknow she's okay- and that God loves her. Maybe I feel uncertain because I had a therapist tell me as well as a seminary teacher tell me that people who committ suicide are condemned. To purgatory, or hell, or whatever. I believed them . Maybe a part of my subconcious still does. To an extent.
I lied. I have felt her prescence time and again throughout my life, like she is my Guardian Angel or something. I've spent many a dark night in my mind and there was always someone there for me. Guarding me. From myself. My personal monster within. So in a way, I feel like she is ok. I feel her personality so strongly I can almost hear her contagious laugh, deep brown eyes cringed in the corners showing her amusement. I Feel her character traits more than ever. It is, what? Smug, mischevious, bubbly intoxicating personality. Maybe its this house. I feel that the veil is really thin here. I don't know why. Maybe it is Grandpa Stewart's passing and Grandma Margaret being alone and sad, that God allowed it to be this way. For Grandma. She always said that she dreamt of him often, in this very room I am now sitting. In this exact place. Also she said she talked to him. Did she ever say she saw him? Maybe after Grandma Margaret passed away, God meant to seal it back up but she saw me and knew everything about my soul then, she saw I would still need help. I do. I am glad.
I've never felt afraid here, in their home. Many people have asked me if I've felt creepy living here. Staying here, like they know something I don't. Like this house is haunted. Ha! That's funny! Yes I feel spirits here all the time. But I'm not scared. The thing is--I know these spirits, they are good ones. Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Kris. They are protecting me-us. If I listen very cloesly with my spirit, I can hear them. Feel them. I'm okay.
Now please don't drag me off to the looney bin. I'm sure I would get along well there probably but I am not crazy. Geez, I got waay-- off track. I usually do that when I write. Never have I had a problem ever in school with writing a paper. Ha. I over-write and then have to edit out stuff to fit into the allotment.
As you can recall, my original intention was to write about the nightmare I just had (3 hours ago) and suddenly I'm on a completely different topic. I have no one to talk to. If I tell Chase he won't let me read this book. He won't let me read period. He's always looking for a way to prevent my reading. This would be all too convenient for him. I feel guilty even thinking the thought in my mind. Now I feel guilty even writing it.
Who do I call? Denise? My mom? Darren? No, I'm sure if I told them all about this nightmare, that they would over-react and tell me to stop reading. Immediately. I seriously contemplated the best of these three and my decision was Darren. I had my phone out and I was about to dial the number. But I thought, he would listen to me and understand but he is my brother and very protective and now he is a therapist, so I'm sure he would tell me to stop reading the book. That I was stupid if this plot was really getting into my mind this bad.
I can't call Denise, she probably although rare that this is, has not started it yet because she pre-ordered it and it hasn't gotten to her house yet. So I am actually reading this before her. That is a first. I usually ask her for recommendations for books. Books she has already read. We are of the same mind. Our passion for reading. But I can't call her this time and ask her about the book and my stupid dream without giving the book away. I'm only on 332, about halfway and I don't know what to do. I'll probably go workout with Gabby at the Sports Academy and then come back home and start reading it again.
I have an over-imaginative mind. back to my early teenage years. I would frequently read books and then dream about them. I became the book. The characters. Their fantasy world and story would become my owwn. I would be that herione or that damsel-in-distress. Whatever, I didn't care. As long as I could escape to their world and not mine. Not that awkward thing called life. More specifically, middle school. And breasts and hormones. And boys. Oh, how I liked boys. And chased them.
I happened to read a few books I dreamed about (nothing new), but they were darker tales. I had nightmares about them. I really don't think these books were so bad or scary. I just made them that way in my mind. I would go off on a sub-plot of the story. Make it my own. Weave my thoughts into the story, to make it my own twisted metal of a heap, like there was a sudden car accident of bound up metal in my mind. Like I was weaving the beads onto my dream-catcher with the sinew, braiding it around and around the circle.
I happened to leak these dreams to my therapist-and my mom. I can't remember if I told my mom or my therapist did. Whichever, didn't matter. My mom freaked out of course, and tried to stop me reading fantasy novels, like they were the Plague. She couldn't really stop me from reading-ha-what I wanted really, but I started to believe her. Maybe if I read other books like Anita Stansfield's Arianna books, or a Jack Weyland Novel, say one of the 50 or 60 he wrote, maybe I wouldn't keep having nightmares.
So I tried it, and it worked. I would still read the occassional fantasy novel and devour them, but my nightmares stopped. Eeew. I even tried reading a Lurlene McDaniel novel titled Saving Jessica to have something to read. No offense to her but I don't know how some authors get published and write a whole bunch of stupid books. Seriously. The plot-line for this page-turner (jest) was this girl in high school who got really sick and found out she had kidney failure and she was in love and if she didn't get a transplant, she would die and loose her high school boyfriend. Blah. I'd rather watch TV. And that is really saying something because I don't even have the TV on when Chase isn't here. Nope. If it were up to me, I would be just fine with no TV at all. Hey I could live 100 years ago and be just fine. But Chase loves TV and so I couldn't take that away from him, although I've suggested it in a nice manner to save money. Money we don't have. It's not like he is watching total waste of time things. He Loves the Discovery channel and the History channel. I wish he watched sports more. I'm starting to get sick of the Mythbusters and Dirty Jobs oh and most of all, Dogfights. Blah. War. He really used to watch sports more when we first started dating and I was totally fine with that because I had grown up around that. Darren watched them all the time. I liked watching them. As long as I could be with my brother. He taught me things. Played catch with me. Played basketball with me. However, I could never really learn to like Football. Still don't. I guess if I was understanding the game a little better, I would. I know the basics. I just don't seem to see a real point with the game. And the padding. And hitting each other. Must be a man thing. The other sports make sense in my mind. They really do. With basketball, we will watch quite a bit. But he doesn't call me watchig because we'll be sitting on the couch and I will have a book in front of me. But I do both. I keep track of the score and watch but also read as well. See women can multi-task pretty efficiently. I miss the Cubs; and the Braves. What I wouldn't do to sit down and watch a full baseball game with my brother Darren.Anyways, Chase always seems to keep track of sports but I don't know how. He will glance at the sports section of the newspaper and maybe read an article or two. But he listens to talk radio in the car when he is driving at work and so I think there is a sports AM station. If I am turning any of you men out there on to this, you will definitely thank me. The station is 1280 the Zone. There are these two guys (I believe they are located in Salt Lake) who do the commentary. I think their names are Jeff and Mike. Anyways they are really interesting and I find myself agreeing with them and they discuss the various sports and the local sports as well. Not enough of the Aggies, but mostly the Utes and some BYU. But that is good. So any of you men out there or women, this is really actually a good show they have on every weekday. I think they do it in the mornings. Oh here I am running on again. Back to the story.Maybe it is because I am the baby in my family but there is just something about an older brother....some bond. I feel so close with my sisters, but this is entirely different. I wouldn't say I am any closer to my brothers, but it is like protection or something. I seriously thought they were both perfect and there wasn't any mistake they could make that would make me love them less. And there hasn't been. I now see they are both human, news to me, but I still see them with that glory of perfectness. They are fiercly loyal to me, as I can remember one or two memories regarding the boys I dated. Ha ha. Danny is more direct with his protectiveness of me. Darren, more subtle, but always in tune with my thoughts. Like he can read me and what I am thinking. Well I don't know if they could get away with murder in my book, but I would find a way to forgive them. Someway somehow. Ha. I can even remember Danny getting into it with Chase back in the day. Fiercly loyal. Like I said. He would probably die for me. To protect me from anything hurting me. His baby sis. I think things are really starting to fall into place with those two. For a while they didn't see eye to eye, but I think they both understand that it kills me if I don't have both of them in my life. I really want our family to be close and so what? We keep continuing not getting along. Like that works. Psaw. If we want to be an eternal family with each other, we have to get along with each of our brother and sister's spouses as well. Sure we each didn't pick them out, but our brother or sister did, and there has got to be a reason for that. I trust all of them completely and so why wouldn't they be able to pick their match? Luckily, I think I am blessed with the "adopted" family members I have. Some families don't have it this good. Even brothers and sisters won't get along. Add the spouses and it just gets worse. So Holly, Denise, Ericka, Darcie. Although I don't think Darcie blogs. And so probably won't read this. Whomever reads this blog. Don't get me in trouble! With my brothers for this. What I've said. Harry Potter? Yep. Devoured them. Of course, I dreamed of them. Never a nightmare though. Then I happened upon these lovely novels of Stephenie Meyers' creation. Well, actually my lovely sister recommended them to me. Thank you Denise. And that is complete honesty here. I can't imagine NOT reading them. ****OK HERE IS THE PLOT SPOILER.***** I WARN YOU. DO NOT CONTINUE READING ANY FURTHER UNTIL YOU HAVE COMPLETED THIS NOVEL, OR AT LEAST GOTTEN TO PAGE 332. I don't remember if I had nightmares about the first 3 novels. I don't think I did. Maybe day-dreamed about it. And Edward, oh Edward. Yes, he is very good looking. But then there is Jacob too. I love Edward but Jacob is so loyal, so fierce. So animalistic. Bella's best friend. How could she NOT love Jacob? How could I? Okay so I think it is Jacob. In my mind. I would chose him. I'm halfway through this novel and still thinking there's a chance.There has got to be some way for Jacob to win still. There's still a chance however miniscule that is. Why am I still holding onto this thought? Bella is Married. they had a Honeymoon for crying out loud. --Sidenote: I wondered how the author was going to go about this scene in my head. Since this is only a young adult novel. I didn't know how she would handle it. I think she came through with flying colors. Although, secretly I wanted to know more. But she is writing this for young adults and so I thinks she did outstandingly well and that parents shouldn't be concerned about any too graphic love scene so far as I have read. She kinds of fades out, leaves one to their own imagination. I love that. My sister and I were having a debate about Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series regarding this very issue. At some point we have both thought that she is too descriptive with the love scenes. I feel almosts guilty reading them. But her writing is so enticing. Intoxicating. She is a very thourogh writer and so very descriptive. This is her style. This is the way she is. So it makes sense for her to write this way. In my mind. So back to Breaking Dawn. Stop here now! She is pregnant. Why don't I get that? She is 4 days away from giving birth to this monster! See there I am thinking just like Jacob. Maybe it is because she is telling this part of the story from his point of view. I don't know. Am I the only one out there feeling still so loyal to Jacob?The nightmare I had. I blended both A Breath of Snow and Ashes and Breaking Dawn into one dream/book. Claire Fraser was there. I was pregnant. I don't know if I was Bella or Me. But Jacob was there as well as Jamie Fraser. Jamie and Claire are from Diana Gabaldon's books, to not make anyone confused. Claire is a modern-day doctor who goes back in time to Scotland in the 1700's and falls in love with Jamie, a devilishly handsome man. Jamie is tall, over 6 feet and has bright red hair. Jamie wins hands down if I were to have to pick between Edward, Jacob or him. But maybe it is because I have now been through 6 books of Gabaldon's and am still eating it up. Back to the dream. So I (whomever that is) was pregnant. So much like Bella. And there was the little monster in me that was half-vampire and it was doing the same thing to me like Bella to her. Breaking down her body. Beating it up. This occured to me in my dream at the time that it was such a weird feeling of being pregnant. I had never experienced this before, but have watched my sisters and sisters in laws become mothers and experience that. So maybe to a point, I can empathize with them. Definitely there is no way that I could know how that felt, yet I did and it was strange. So Claire was checking me. And she was frowning. Looking at my bulge as it punched and kicked me. You could tell from her mirror face that something was not right. So I was very worried. Then I remember we were in this examining room/sports room (I can remember basketball hoops all around) finny what the mind does. And all of a sudden this man came in and starting kicking me while on the floor and beating me up and nobody could help me. I guess I felt like it was when Marsali and Claire got assaulted in their whisky making barn. Marsali was very pregnant and a bunch of men came upon her and Claire to steal the whisky. They kidnap Claire and have her captive for days. They rape her several times even though she is like 50 or older. This part of the book was really hard for me to read because it was scary. Brianna was raped too and I didn't like that part either. The men left Marsali for dead and set the barn burning. Anyways, if you don't want to continue reading that is fine. Just another warning because the dream gets worse. I don't want to be too graphic to anyone or offend them. You can stop now. I've said the sain part of the dream. And then it goes crazy.So the baby begins to eat it's way out from my stomach at the same time this man is beating me and then the man holds me down and cuts off my whole stomach completely. I am just laying there with a huge hole in my abdomen. And the monster is out. And he is green. Don't know where that came from. Maybe he is the incredible hulks offspring. So Claire is freaking out that I will die and bleed to death and Jacob picks up the cut off part of my stomach and pulls out something else in the stomach. It is a little Jacob. So I don't know how he got me pregnant but I guess did somehow. Or maybe I was going off of the theroy that Carlisle said about vampires having 25 chromosomes and humans having 23 and Jacob, 24. So the baby could have mixed between and vampire and human, possibly 24 chromosomes which would make him like Jacob. A werewolf. Edward and Jacob are there by my side and each of them are holding a baby and they ask which one I want to keep because the other must die. They both look into my eyes. Both have full love for me. What do I do? And then it got really gory and I felt like I was gagging on blood. (Yet another part from the book perhaps?) of Bella drinking blood? Probably. Thankfully, I awoke with a start at that point. I was so disoriented. I didn't know where I was. My nightmare took place from 8:30 am-11:30 am. I had stayed up until 6:30 am reading the book, before finally deciding to go lie down because although my mind didn't want to stop reading, my body won out. I stumbled into bed with Chase and he mumbled something in his sleep and held me close. Then his alarm went off at 7:00 he had to go to work. So I got up with him (1/2 hour sleep) and made him a lunch and we both got to thinking about Tinkerbell. Where was she? When did we see her last? Neither of us could remember seeing her for like 12 hours or more. She usually stays outside and then will just come meow by the door for the occasional food or water for 5 minutes and then she is back outside. She decides to be out there. Not us. I wish she was around more. So I went outside to look for her. I called her name and called her. She didn't come. Which was strange. Normally, even if she was a ways away, she would hear me and come running. Chase was still in bed. Pretending to sleep. He said when I got back in that he could hear her meowing. Where was she? I looked all over the house. I couldn't find her. So I tried it again. Chase said it sounded like she was right in the bedroom with us or close by. So I walked around to the front of the house. Right next to the front steps and called her and lo and behold, she was in the floor/basement. I was immediately furious. Somebody had showed the house the day before. I don't think Taylor actually did. I think it was another realtor. Because Taylor knows we have the cat and she has followed him down to the basement before if he takes people but he always tells us that she went down there with him and she may be still down there or something. I heard nothing. So I figured it was another realtor showing the house. Maybe they didn't realize that the cat had came down the stairs with them. Maybe they did and were just too mean and left her locked down in the basement. Maybe it was on purpose, or accident. Regardless, it was inexcusible. We never go down in the basement unless there is a problem with the water heater or the heater. Other that that, it is a black-widow infested (100% sure) cobwebby, crumbly basement. Eeek I still feel crawly thinking about being down there this morning. We saw her through the vent in the side just under the porch. And we knew that there was various crawl spaces that a cat could get up into from that basement because parts of the foudation are crumbly and visible. So we tried to see if we called her from the basement if she could make her way back to us the way she got in there. Not to any avail. We couldn't even hear her when we were down there. So we decided we would have to pry the vent/catdoor (makeshift) out and she could crawl out this way. Because she came right up to the outside of it and was trying to get out. It was 1-2 inch metal squares so as much as she tried, there was absolutely no escape. She was crying and was scared and we did finally get the door pried open and she came out but she seemed really dehydrated and hungry. She came in and ate and drank water and then she was back out. Like there was no big deal. Like she had forgotten her hell. She thanked us and purred. Wow I must really be losing it, or sleep-deprived like Ericka is now facing. Tink wanted to be outside again. Hopefully she is ok still. And there is the end to my long-story and never ending chapter of my crazy life!
